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21 March 2010 @ 12:25 pm

show me you love me. support is appreciated, as well as contrary opinions. tell me what led you here. COMMENT!

25 September 2009 @ 04:39 pm
so, i have a few minutes to kill before class. i havent eaten anything yet and it's already 4:40 p.m. unhealthy? yes? but it works.
06 July 2009 @ 05:26 pm
so i'm sitting here in an internet cafe because i'm too scared to go to school, and i'm too wired to stay at home and study.
05 June 2009 @ 03:23 am
i've been out of school for 2 years, and i still don't know what i want to be.

"should i do what i love, or do what i do (so i can do what i love on the side?)"

i graduated at the age of 19 with a degree in Mass Communication. My school did not have majors, so i knew a little about everything, but i didn't know what i liked. i always knew i wanted to be a writer, and looking through my transcript i did excel at english and writing classes. however, with the economy the way it is, writing will not put food on the table even if i work for major newspapers. i told myself, i'll put writing on the back burner and try to earn first, so i entered a call center to earn while sending out articles to magazines, work on my story ideas, but when i started working, that plan just flew out the window.

now i'm not as confident as i was, since i feel like i wasted my time and now there are better, younger writers out there. also, now i'm envious of some of my batchmates who started their career immediately after graduation and now have good positions in media networks. i keep thinking i used to be better than they were in college, i had better grades, but now thay have the better career and i'm still here, yes, maybe earning more, but still confused.

my parents got sick of my downward slump after my resignation, and basically i was badgered into entering law school they told me, you want to be a writer because that's what you're good at, so why don't you put that skill to use as a lawyer? (parang malabo yung argument no? haha)
once they forced me to agree, they also basically forced me to fend for myself financially. How? What work would give me enough money to be able to send myself to law school? Yes, that's right. Back to the call center.

So now, if ever, i would say that i'm worse that i was when i graduated. At least when i graduated i sort of knew where i was. Now i'm going to study for a course i don't know if i want and paying for it by work i know i don't like.

does anyone have any advice for me? Feel free to PM. BTW, school starts monday.
03 June 2009 @ 03:50 am
i have realized that this blog is the one i used when i'm depressed, when i have eating disordered thoughts, when i'm feeling suicidal.

i'm depressed.
you know what they say about "you smile, but it doesnt quite reach your eyes?"
that's me.
i can keep up appearances, i can fake it, but at night i go home exhausted and unable to sleep. i get drunk to fall asleep on a regular basis. . there are days when i don't want to get out of bed and when i do sleep, sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night panicked for no reason at all. i'm on the verge of crying all the time. Crying does not make me feel better, it's more like i get angry because i'm having all this self pity. i procrastinate. i'm very hard on myself, i have feelings of self-hatred. i'm having eating-disordered thoughts again (i used to be anorexic but i'm at a normal weight now, unfortunately unevenly distributed in bilbil and cellulite.)it's hard to say to eat healthy when the only thing you want to stuff down your throat is drain cleaner. i feel lost and sometimes i envy those people who have a "relationship" with God. i tried going to church but caved in to pressure from my family who does not believe in the church. i pray, but i feel like no one's listening, which makes me sadder. i resigned from my job, because i thought that whas what was making me unhappy (and poor! i would rationalize buying 2 pairs of shoes "because i deserve it after a horrible week at work". which would have been fine if it was a one time splurge, but it was every payday. shopping gives me moments of happiness, but not joy.) and have been jobless for 4 months, so i cannot afford to see a psychiatrist. my family is now asking me to go back to work full time, even though i'm going to law school by next week, and i'm scared that this school-work combo will exacerbate my condition, my low self esteem, double my stress level. i cannot tell my family how i feel, because the last time i did that, i was berated because according to them, there is nothing that i have to be depressed about, i'm 22 so what do i know about the world, i have a roof over my head, food on the table, a good education, etc. the thing is, as bad as i feel, i'm anxious that it's going to get worse. i've had suicidal thoughts and i'm a cutter, one of these days i'll have the courage to push down on the blade. sigh. i cried throughout typing this post. i don't have to be fake happy because you guys don't know who i am.

those who have family support, please realize how lucky you are, because not everyone has that. i would love to hear from you guys. god knows i need friends and support right now.
18 September 2007 @ 06:09 am
you want to be ungrateful go right ahead. don't expect me to do anything for you fucking ever again. argh! and you, little man, stop pretending to be my friend! double argh!

work sucks badass. i'm tired all the time, and the vitamins i'm taking are making me fatfatfat. i need to get drunkashell but i have work tomorrow.
18 September 2007 @ 06:07 am

una: apologize. seriously, how the fuck am i going to forgive you if you don't apologize. if you don't know what you did wrong, you can ask. you should know. but since you're a man and therefore undeniably dense---you can ask.

pangalawa: stop trying to convince me that your way is better. i've already rejected it. and it's not like i'm forcing you to do thing my way either. our happy compromise? neither of us is happy at the moment. duh.

pangatlo: pick and choose, dahling. pick and choose.
17 September 2007 @ 06:06 am
get drunk with me.

18 August 2007 @ 12:42 am

just sent a text message to everyone:
these are the days when i just want to go to bed, cuddle up, eat chicken sotanghon and drink coffee while watching cheesy horror movies. i hate this kind of weather when i'm single.

guess who replies to my message first?and guess what he replies?
i'll supply the chicken sotanghon and your caramel machiatto. cuddle me and watch cheesy horror movies in my bed?

hell no, boy. cuddle up to your frigging girlfriend. i'd kick you out of my bed if i had the chance. anyway, i just find it funny that most of my girls replied that they wished to have somebody to cuddle up to, but then here he is the asshole with the girlfriend wanting to cuddle up to me? grr. and my text message wasn't even a come-on. jeez. men.
I know I do a lot of dumbass things when I’m drunk. But hell, this one takes the cake, the bacon, the fucking best picture award for "I'm drunk and an idiot".

Ken, Ria, Anj, Martin, Pay and I were all hanging out, drinking coffee when I saw JJ. He was standing a few feet away and everything just stood still for one moment. pay and ria started elbowing each other since, hell yeah, this was the guy I pined over a couple of years back. We were friends, and I seriously gave it my all but it didn’t seem like he was willing to go for a more-than-friends kind of thing, so I took my heart and ditched him before I fell in too deep. The years apart only made him look cuter. I feel like a stupid little high schooler. Strange that my ultra practiced confidence shatters when he looks at me like that. Seriously, he is the only guy who can render me tongue tied. I invited him for a drinking session at pay's house since we were all totally stressed out from work (we're all call center agents! wtf!) and needed a break. A really sloshed, who cares what happens, I’m not going to remember this in the morning type of break.

I’ve had a major crush on him for years, but I never really knew that he used to have a thing for me---that is, until last night. I was already waaaaay past my recommended number of shots, and almost everybody else was already beyond tipsy. except for Martin. How you do it, man, is beyond me.

We were drinking in the garden, catching up on each other’s lives (so memorable, pay's garden! All the house parties in college, kahit magkakahiwalay!…)and after a couple of hours, all talk turned to alcohol talk (a lovely little phrase from Tina and bobby). out of nowhere he blurts out that he used to have a crush on me. Ria and Pay start screaming "she used to have a crush on you too! She used to have a crush on you too!" and laughing. And dancing. I was so embarrassed! jeez can you tell how utterly drunk we were? I managed to ask "why didn’t you say anything?", and he told me he was kind of afraid of rejection at the time.

Not again. Where have I heard that before?

Anyway, I was starting to get into "my head feels like a balloon" level of drunkenness, plus I had to digest that information, so I went over to the guest room to just rest for a bit. I set my alarm for 5 a.m., since ria still had to leave early for school the next day. After a few minutes, he walked in with a bottle of water. We talked about a few things, most of which I don’t remember because of what happened next.

He kissed me. And I kissed him back.

I haven't been kissed in months. Not like that anyway. So I kissed him back. I just shut my eyes and i went for it. After all, this was what I wanted a couple of years ago, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? and I miss having a boyfriend, I’m lonely, and this guy, this guy I really thought I was in love with for years turned out to have feelings for me, and I was drunk---fuck it, I’m making excuses. We had sex.

Why am I an idiot?

He has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for four years.
Current Mood: energeticstupid!