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03 June 2009 @ 03:50 am
i'm back, but no better.  
i have realized that this blog is the one i used when i'm depressed, when i have eating disordered thoughts, when i'm feeling suicidal.

i'm depressed.
you know what they say about "you smile, but it doesnt quite reach your eyes?"
that's me.
i can keep up appearances, i can fake it, but at night i go home exhausted and unable to sleep. i get drunk to fall asleep on a regular basis. . there are days when i don't want to get out of bed and when i do sleep, sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night panicked for no reason at all. i'm on the verge of crying all the time. Crying does not make me feel better, it's more like i get angry because i'm having all this self pity. i procrastinate. i'm very hard on myself, i have feelings of self-hatred. i'm having eating-disordered thoughts again (i used to be anorexic but i'm at a normal weight now, unfortunately unevenly distributed in bilbil and cellulite.)it's hard to say to eat healthy when the only thing you want to stuff down your throat is drain cleaner. i feel lost and sometimes i envy those people who have a "relationship" with God. i tried going to church but caved in to pressure from my family who does not believe in the church. i pray, but i feel like no one's listening, which makes me sadder. i resigned from my job, because i thought that whas what was making me unhappy (and poor! i would rationalize buying 2 pairs of shoes "because i deserve it after a horrible week at work". which would have been fine if it was a one time splurge, but it was every payday. shopping gives me moments of happiness, but not joy.) and have been jobless for 4 months, so i cannot afford to see a psychiatrist. my family is now asking me to go back to work full time, even though i'm going to law school by next week, and i'm scared that this school-work combo will exacerbate my condition, my low self esteem, double my stress level. i cannot tell my family how i feel, because the last time i did that, i was berated because according to them, there is nothing that i have to be depressed about, i'm 22 so what do i know about the world, i have a roof over my head, food on the table, a good education, etc. the thing is, as bad as i feel, i'm anxious that it's going to get worse. i've had suicidal thoughts and i'm a cutter, one of these days i'll have the courage to push down on the blade. sigh. i cried throughout typing this post. i don't have to be fake happy because you guys don't know who i am.

those who have family support, please realize how lucky you are, because not everyone has that. i would love to hear from you guys. god knows i need friends and support right now.
bethanbloodrosebethanbloodrose on June 3rd, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry things are shitty, I wish I could help.
vodka4breakfastvodka4breakfast on June 4th, 2009 08:38 pm (UTC)
knowing someone's out there helps a lot more that you might think.